When I was pregnant, I found that along with all of the changes my body was going through, came the fact that the people around me now thought they somehow had the right to comment on my body. It was as if suddenly everyone seemed to think my body was public property because I was sporting a bump. It was now open for discussion, comments, and even unsolicited physical contact. Look, I get it. It is exciting to see a pregnant woman. They are, in my eyes, beautiful. People want to feel involved in a woman's pregnancy, in some way connected to it. If only for a moment.
During my pregnancy, I welcomed the warm smiles I received and enjoyed being told that I was glowing, or that I looked beautiful. I felt beautiful. In fact, I felt more beautiful as a pregnant woman than I had at any other time in my life. However, not all of the comments I received were kind, thoughtful, or welcomed by me. In fact some of the things people said to me were downright rude, and were most certainly unsolicited. Now, I know that people don't mean to be unkind when commenting on a pregnant woman's body, but what you say can certainly come off that way. As pregnant women we are hormonal, sensitive, and most likely quite irritable during this time of great transition in our lives. Besides which, you would never comment on a non-pregnant woman's body, so why is it ok to do so to a woman who is?
Getting pregnant was no easy task for me. Due to the fact that my husband had been through two battles with cancer and a bone marrow transplant that ultimately saved his life, it had also left him infertile. That meant that I had to go through in-vitro fertilization (IVF) to get pregnant with our son. It took one round of IVF, two frozen embryo transfers, and two separate fertility clinics to do the trick. So when the first signs of a baby bump began to show, I couldn't wait to show it off. I was damn proud of that bump! It was the best accessory I'd ever had. Watching my belly grow meant that the baby inside was growing, and that was what mattered most. So when the unsolicited comments on the size of my bump began rolling in, I wasn't sure how to respond. I expected to get some comments on my growing belly, but nothing could have prepared me for the seemingly endless commentary I would receive throughout my pregnancy.
Toward the end of my pregnancy I found myself not wanting to leave the house in fear of what comments I might receive that day. My son was two weeks overdue in the middle of one of the hottest summers we have had in a while. I was hot, tired, uncomfortable, and yes, big. And I was in no mood for unsolicited commentary on my body or my pregnancy. I was so tired of being asked how I was feeling, when my baby was due, and being told way too many times of a different method that was sure to induce labor. Trust me, I had already tried it. Even the sweet, simple comments were beginning to get tiresome. I was ready to be left alone. And I am sure I wasn't the first pregnant woman to feel that way.
Here Is What I Have To Say To Everyone Who Wants To Comment On A Woman's Pregnant Body ~
A woman's body, pregnant or otherwise, is not up for discussion. Don't assume that she must be having twins because you think her belly is large. Of course it is large. There is a human growing inside of it - hopefully a nice healthy, chubby, squishy one. And certainly don't ask her if she is having twins. If you must ask, then accept her answer if she says no, don't respond with, "Are you sure?" or "Oh wow, then that must be one big baby!" No woman wants the thought of some gigantic baby in their mind as they prepare to give birth. Do not use words such as huge, big, large, wide, or massive when describing a woman's pregnant belly, or any other part of her body for that matter. A lady never wants to hear those words in the same sentence as "You are..." Besides which, using such words to describe her could cause her to feel self conscious or even uncomfortable in her pregnant body. On the other hand, if you think a woman's belly looks small for how far along she is, do not tell her that either. What you may not realize is that perhaps her baby is measuring small for gestational age, and it is a great cause of concern and worry for her. Your seemingly innocent comment has now filled her with more worry and stress, two things that do not benefit her or her baby. Do not tell her that "life is going to change forever." She knows that. No one decides to have a child thinking their life will be exactly the same. And don't tell her to "sleep now because once that baby comes you'll never sleep again." Trust me, she is trying to sleep. But sleeping well when you are pregnant is no easy task. It requires several pillows propping up different body parts, and takes a solid five minutes just to change positions. Plus, we all know that sleep goes out the window when you have a baby. No need for the reminder.
What you think about the size and shape of her pregnant body is really of no concern to her. She did not invite you to share with her your thoughts on how she looks. She did not ask you to guess how far along she is, or if you think her belly looks too big or too small for where she is at in her pregnancy. She did not ask you to share the horror stories of your traumatic birth experience or the birth of someone you know, mere weeks before she is due. She did not ask you to guess the gender of her baby based on the shape of her belly. If she did want your opinion on what she is having, she would ask. She did not ask you to stop her on the street so that you could touch her belly. Would you rub her belly if there wasn't a baby inside of it? Probably not. So don't assume it's ok to do so just because she is pregnant.
If you feel compelled to comment on a pregnant woman's body, here are some things you could say instead. Try saying a simple, "you look great" or "congratulations." Tell her that parenthood is wonderful. Or, you could just say nothing at all. Give her a smile or hold the door open for her. A simple gesture such as that can go a long way.
Photo by: Ashley Wexler Photography
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